When your child asks you about the death of a loved one, it is a good idea to talk in a place where the child feels safe. It is important to make sure that you are not rushed. Be truthful, patient and be aware that you might be asked the same question many times. If you have trouble answering a question, it is fine to respond by saying, “that is a good question, and I will find the answer for you.”
Each person grieves in his own way, and there is no set time when a person begins to feel better. Death is not an easy concept to explain. However, it is very important for the family to be able to talk about their feelings openly and honestly. There are several stages that a person goes through during the grieving period. By being aware of these stages, it will help you to understand the feelings that you and your children are going through.
SHOCK – This is the first stage of grieving when the person feels numb. Your child’s body might have strange sensations such as butterflies in the stomach, and your child might not have much appetite.
DENIAL – This is the time when your child begins to understand what has happened but continues to act as if the loved one is still alive.
ANGER – In this stage a person who has lost someone often gets angry. He or she may blame the person who died for leaving. Anger may also be directed at the person who was responsible for care of the loved one. If the family practices a religion, the person can show anger towards God or simply grow angry for being left alone. Your child might become more easily annoyed with little things that normally would not bother a person.
GUILT and DEPRESSION – This is when a person questions himself, “could I have done anything differently? What if? If only I...” It is a time when your child might want to be alone and not do anything. Eventually with the help of friends, family and/or a professional counselor, the last stage of ACCEPTANCE will come.
ACCEPTANCE – This is the stage where the depression, anger and guilt are no longer present and when the person is able to talk or think about his/her feelings more objectively. It is a time when the person realizes that it is possible to still enjoy the activities that used to be pleasurable.
These stages are a natural part of the grieving process. The most helpful thing to remember is that it can take each person a different amount of time to pass through each stage. Allowing your child to express feelings will enable the healing process to take place.
For those who have lost a significant person, it can be difficult to realize the future will bring hope and healing. To help fill the void, there will come a time when those who are grieving begin to think about the important people in their lives. It could be an aunt, uncle, grandparent, neighbor, friend, counselor/psychologist, teacher, religious leader, a big brother or sister, or even a new step-parent. This is what happened to me. There were many good friends and relatives that helped me through the difficult period after the loss of my father, and I began to develop several new interests. Once again I began to enjoy and appreciate what life had to offer.